I just woke up from a nap. Now generally I don't take naps because I have this weird theory that everything will happen when I'm sleeping and I'll miss out on something. ><;; I wonder if this is due to anxiety.. Hn.. I guess it could be. I'm not really sure. But regardless it felt pretty good. I might update more people on my castlist, because some things have changed in and out of my life at the moment. And we know that I have to have everything perfect or it will all come crashing down. : sighs : Just kidding. Cande is working on her costume for Katsucon, so I'm not expecting to hear from her all day. She hasn't checked her email, so I can't really expect much, can I? Keisuke as well, Slyfer hasn't even checked the mail so I doubt she's transferred it. I still would want to know how he took my voicemail. XD Hah.. I cursed again in it. : closes eyes : I know he'll mention something about it. He's weird like that.. going on that whole " It's not attractive when girls curse. " Maybe thats the whole flaw in my torrid love life, I curse to much. Yeah right.. if that was the problem it could be easily solved. Not such an easy solution. I haven't written a poem.. or a good one in awhile.. although I did setup a link for all of my poems. ^^;; Yay! You know you want to look.. I'll eventually put it up under the navigation section.. but for now? Poetry ^^;; Please take a look, okay? Hah. I wonder who I'm talking to when I write in this diary. I was thinking about that earlier in class... who do I write to? It seems that somedays I write like I have an audience to please.. and other times it's like I write to myself, a yellow sticky note that I just forgot to attach to my forehead and write backwards on, so I can see it when I look in the mirror.. After 400 hundred some odd entries I think that I can finally state that I've progressed alot since the beginning of this diary. At first I wrote about small things.. and then as events and situations happened... I was slowly able to open up. Everytime I sit back in read through my archives it's almost as if I'm looking at my life through the outside. All my good days, my bad ones, the struggles I've gone through, and what I've tried to go through up to this point. In a way it's instant self gratifaction knowing that I can pick a day and read about it, hoping that I'll remember exactly went on before. I often find myself mixing up dates, years, and times.. so this diary has also served as a calender to extend. A calender of my life so far, if you will. Where am I now? Closing of Freshman year... Keisuke and Yuuriko are back together.. The Chinese Mafia seem almost completely out of our lives.. The Firm more prominently so to speak.. Voicemail messages.. More sleep at night.. More finding who my old self was. And I guess thats the thing I can't understand. I can't go back to how things were, but only try to make them get better. Every day when I attend therapy it reminds me.. I'll never be able to go back to the old happy bubbly WOW ITS SUNNY OUTSIDE type kind of me. I've become more serious, worrisome, invovled... wrapping myself tighter until I believe everything is going to fall apart... only to watch it pick up at the very last moment. It's interesting really.. to note that with almost every bad thing that happens to me, a good thing comes consquently after. Granted.. the time inbetween is unknown.. It could range between an hour to five months.. one can never be sure. It's just funny like that. Life.. is funny like that. I'm suppose to leave later tonight for NYC with Tricia. ^.^ AHH! I'm so excited. I have already explained my love affiar with this city.. but just to state again. ^-^ Hehhh. I love it. I just simply.. love it. And here I go again, the ramblings of a wanna be city girl.. With a lack of a love life but no lack of Drama! Who wants to help everyone and somehow try and help herself. Who's almost completely overcome cutting herself and can determine which reality she currently lives in. Just trying to make it famous through writing and be with those who she loves. Enter into the unknown world of Assassins, Mafia's, Killing, Decievement, Death.. I don't lie when I say these things. It's just up to you to believe them. In spite of it all? I just want a boyfriend! : laughs : Typical teenaged dork. I'm a self proclaimed stranger... Come meet me in the back of the library... we can deal drugs. XD : Laughs and dies : Just kidding.. but thats a subtle refrence to my cluelessness on the drug dealing that happened in our school during lunch in the library?! Oh life is such a riot. You must love it.
Courtney