Perhaps, just maybe, I'm going in circles in my mind, trying to make everything happen at once. I'm trying awfully hard and I want to see positive efforts. Really fucking trying, can't anyone see? Ian says that I never truly loved him. Which, in short, is a lie. There was a time when I loved him completely. But as time went on, I never FELL out of love, because you can't just wake up one day and decide you dont want to love someone anymore...I just.. the amount of love seemed to decline. I wasn't as excited and certain aspects of the whole situation scared me and they still do. But it doesn't matter what I say or think anymore. I've fucked it over so bad that what I even want right now is unacheiveable. I'm confused in what I want. Someday's I want to just be held within his arms as I cry. I want him to just brush away my tears and kiss my forehead, tell me he'll make everything okay. I want it so that I am cry into his shoulder and mumble a sorry say that I never meant the things that I said. That I miss him. His kisses, hand holding, just spending time with him. Someday's I just want to runaway from it all. Cut everything and anything involving him, including myself. I can't stand to be with him and its almost like we're complete opposites. I can't stand myself when I'm that way because I seem so hypocritical. It makes me fear myself more so then anything and I'm at a loss in what to do. Someday's I'm just indifferent, where I can be so impassive and not give a damn whether he was by my side or if he just left it for another girl. I'm running around with a ribbon tied to my finger, but I'm asking each and everyone who comes in my path what I was suppose to remember. They dont know, so I cant remember. I wonder how many days have passed since I've held his hand. I miss it completely. How his hand fit twice over mine. My small cold hands enclosed within his large warm ones. I feel so lost for walking into autumn alone. No one to shed their coat for me to wear. The bitter cold nips at my skin as my breath is turned into a cloud of frozen words...the leaves change but the beauty is the last thing on my mind. Leaves change and fall just like my relationship has. Autumn has come with it's changes of summer and now with the faintest touch everything is sent toppling over into tremdous changes. I wonder if he'd take me back. If I could just overlook everything. Would he take me back? Of course of which I'll never know.
Courtney