We went to the river today. I cried just a little bit. It wasn't anything anyone had done at all, actually. It was my own thinking. I wanted something to fill the void and gap that I've created for myself. I just didnt want to be alone. I saw Brant and Stacy together and it made me smile so much, but in a way sigh slightly. I can make people around me happy together but I can never seem to keep a relationship myself. Sure, I have a lot of years ahead and all... but it gets me down. It dimmed my mood alot and I was fighting thoughts of cutting really badly. I wanted to just jump off the bridge as we passed the highway. But due to fencing... there were minor difficulties. Not like I would really do it, its more so the thought that counts. I had been working so hard lately to just try and get rid of my self multilating thoughts... but I cant seem to shake them. I dont want to bother my friends at the moment because as far as most of them are concerned my life is slowly getting better. Im sure that Brant, Stacy, Erika, And Mark know whats going on, or sense something at least... I give them credit for that. I think that Ill go to one of them soon..I really need a big hug at the moment. I dont want to seem to want attention..because more then anything I hate doing that. :sighes: But whatever works. I want to sleep a long sleep. I want to cry again just walking down a path with Autumn and Myself. I love this season. The leaves. The change. The beauty. I am so enamored that its wonderful. People love me, Yes, I know... but I wish I could find that oh so perfect one for me... and I know that just wont... happen.