I've extremely tired.. worn out. Wanting to just sleep and never wake up. But I always feel like that now and I guess its something I wont be able to wish away. Therapy went well today I guess. I got to a point where I was free to talk about my parents fighting. All that screaming. The things that happened. Things I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd let anyone know. Of course, my secrets are still safe guarded... there are even some now I can't bring myself to say. I hate my world of secrecy. In a way I wish I didn't have to keep secrets. Tell lies. But in this world, you will soon die out if you dont follow the rules. I wish I could tell my mom about the night Andrew molested me. I wish I could tell my parents how their fighting affected me at the small age of 5. I wish I could be honest with a million people.. but I keep those parts of me locked away. They are not meant for the world. They are not even meant for myself. I long to rinse this away, but only speaking about things makes them go away. Im silent in such matters. I just can't speak. Bound by invisible gags and ropes. My body becoming a canvas when words were much needed. I wish there were so many ways to explain. But there is just one right now, and I'm not willing to take it. I've worked hard to become the person I've become. Perhaps no harder then the next person, in their own right. But it's been an inward struggle. It's been a hell of a fight. Maybe one day.. I can throw my razors, knives, and needles away. Perhaps I wont need them one day. I wont have to know they are in my closet drawer for safe keeping. I can go on without them. Such is not so. I have failed even now. Of course I have not cut myself in almost two months.. but the instruments lay there just in case. And that perhaps, is what bothers me the most.
Keisuke is fading in and out. Honestly its triggering memories of when he was gone. Cande is getting restless.. I'm growing slowly afraid. I can't have him leave now, not when she was doing fine. Not when I was able to stop cutting. It's just not time! There's no way. But come what may.. and I should be ready under any circumstances, right? Maybe I can just chalk it up to my over active imagination.. Hell if I know.
I got my midterm today. All good grades. Four A's and Three B's. Not bad. : stretches and closes eyes : Freshman year is coming to a close. What can I say that is most rememberable about this year? It's funny.. it's not the school, the teachers, or any of the people in it.. Not any of my friends.. or any of the events that went on around it. It was Keisuke and Cande. September 21st to January 17th. The most tradgic point of my life so far. Never have I hit a point that low. Thank god its over now.. but when looking back on Freshman year .. I'm sure I'll never forget what occured during those months. 121 days of horror. Love has the power to heal and destroy.. Here is the example of both. Its funny really.. I was just the link.. The messenger.. It wasn't even happening to me.. and look how much I was affected. I do suppose though, that alot of that has to deal with my tremendous curiousity... but we'll save that for another entry.
I'm struggling with Mom for Spring Break. This could turn out detrimental to my health
Courtney