"Everyone is a blank book and should write themselves from scratch, and not waste their lives hurting, regretting, and punishing themselves for not being perfect or exactly what everyone wants to see when they look at them."
That above is quoting myself from another entry. I realize now that this diary is such a development. But I also realize that lately I'm not being totally honest to my diary. And sadly enough I'm lying to it even. How has this become to this stage? Often times, my dear readers, I call this place my sanctuary. But how is it that even in my sanctuary I'm unsafe? I'm confused in how this has happened, so instead of trying to retrace my steps... I'm going to save myself some time and just get over it. Realize that I've been running from the one place I really need, and come straight back to it. So lets try honesty.
This is becoming more and more evident from every short entry I add into here. I miss Brant. I miss his touch and I miss his kiss. But more than anything I miss his friendship. Every night we'll hang up and I'll tell him I miss him. He'll reply the same. There's a small sigh on the end of the line from both sides.. and then a soft click. I'm not sure exactly where we are at this point. I'm unsure of whether to demolish the feelings of emotion towards him in a physical attraction way and revert back to the best friend mode. But I'm selfish and I want the best of both worlds. Why is it so difficult to have him as a friend and a lover? He was so good at both roles, taking them on doubly was never a problem for him. And I'm pretty sure it was the same way for me. But I'm waiting on his opinion and voice on the whole ordeal. Regardless, I miss him. Being here has made my mind tick in a way that I've never had the free time to do. There are no pressing matters for me to attend to. My planner is packed. I have no immediate things at my hand. Only loneliness. Only missing. Only longing. I'm fearing the immediate future, trust me. A world without my best friend and ex "friend with benefits" is killing me slowly. I have always been on into long distance relationships, able to manage them without problem. But for some reason this has been really difficult on me. I need him more than ever. Perhaps more than when I actually had him. But isn't that the big cliche of this whole tale? We learn the true value of what we have when we dont have it anymore. I want him now more than ever. Sighs and closed eyes, hands coming to catch my tears before they leave. I'm exhausted in leaving my emotion in a trail from Fort Campbell to Fort Benning. You should have seen me when we left the gate. I was sobbing. Never have I left something so valueable behind. I wanted to jump out the car. I wanted to just make my mother drive to his house and take a last hug goodbye, again. Instead I sobbed. The further away from post we went, the harder I cried. This is reality Courtney. You cannot escape.
So there you have it. I miss Brant all the time. I miss Fort Campbell more than ever. I miss everyone in it.. no matter how large a small a role they played in my life. I miss Brant, his tender kisses and hand brushing back my hair. I miss Erika, my red headed beauty flawless as can be.. full of confidence and head over heels in love with someone most recently returning it. I miss Larry, my logical companion and comedic laugh in the most inappropriate of times. I miss Heather, my gothic little princess who could Prance in a yellow shirt with a smile on, eyeliner bold as can be. I miss Toby, the off the wall seemingly unplaced... unable to be scheduled in at an appointment.. but making up for it in the end guy. I miss Ian, full of insults and childish thoughts.. but a hyper manner that made everyone either groan or smile. I miss Stacy, the one I feared and decieved the most.. confused and highly unlibrated.. she was the center of my every thought.. whether intention or non. I miss them all. My friends and foes. Loves and enemies. You know we only hate those we've loved first...
Cande and I. Well. It's not going to so good. There's only so much I can do. I miss her terribly, but the cost is being shoved down my throat as I speak. She's focused on graduation and school, missing Keisuke. [ which of course is to no one's surprise that I know nothing about. ] It seems I only stress her further. I don't know what to do anymore. There are times when I feel undeserving of many things, and there are times when I feel that I could slit my wrists right now and she'd laugh and slap me at the same time. I'm a child to her and perhaps she's right. Am I only a child? Time will only tell. But at the moment, I suppose she's tired of playing my "babysitter". I dont understand her concepts and I sure as hell dont understand her games. I'm just tired. I want to crawl away from it all and hide away. And for the first time ever that's what I've done. She had my number, so it's not as if she needed me and wanted to reach me and couldn't... but I didn't call her. I didn't contact her. And she didn't contact me. That hurt. But we live and learn.. [ I know I'm always saying this line. I wonder if I really think it's true? ]
Time ticks on further. I'm trying to explore this new found place of Georgia without hatred. I'm trying not to have a biased opinion. I'm trying not to remember about who I left behind with every new building I enter here. It's like I'm crying inside, but someone's begging me not to. So I try not to. Brant asked me for smiles and not tears. But my smiles are short and my buckets are full. Hating this place would only make the next three years insufferable. So I scan the Georgian skies at sunset, cheeks pressed to palms. I miss them. I miss them terribly. What can make this pain go away? Only time I suppose. Only time.
I keep finding myself going, " If I was there.." or " Next year.. " or " Oh we have to do that sometime.. " But where are these sometimes? Next years? There? They've dissapeared. The harsh reality that I will no longer be in reach of those who mean most to me is here. It's ringing my doorbell. It's rapping on the door. Duck, it's about to break the glass. He's creeping in. It's a contract he's forcing me to sign. I'm signing my loved ones away without my will consented to! Stop this! The reality is the army. The contract is the move. The house is Fort Campbell. The lock on the door is my mind. The glass window he broke through is my heart. Ashes ashes, we all fall down.
But enough with the mellodrama. Life is becoming more of a cheap horror flick then the multi-million dollar film they told me it would be.
Courtney