I feel really.. empty again. I've had urges throughout these past three days to just get up and leave this house. It walk walk walk walk and walk. I wanted to walk through the snow when it was snowing. Of course, its not anymore. It's really saddening, even after Stacy, Brant, and Ian have come and stopped by. To seem them leave hurt me one a worse scale then I when I was happy to see them. To know I can't leave with them, be alone with them... and how I constantly drag at them to come over. It's driving me insane. Mother has been moody out the ass because of her migraines and its gotten so ridiculous that I just want to dissapear. Invisable.. to pretend and let it all fade away. Many ups and downs, I've only cut once.. and that was friday...things crashed and burned again. Nothing seems to prevail, but damnit, I'm trying. I get to see Mrs. Nementhy on Tuesday afterschool, so I'm pretty okay about that. Exams are creeping up soon, I'm really nervous about that. I could have devoted this whole weekend studying, I should have devoted this whole weekend to studying, but I didnt devote this whole weekend to studying. Therefore, It will be my own fault if I fail the exams. Tuesday, I'm going to ask Brant if he can help me with my french. I must be asking for a fucking miracle, who knows. Its over 400 sum odd words to learn, memorize, and know before Friday. Fucker. I have to read three more books before tomorrow morning. I'm running out of time, I'm procrastinating. Still curious if Brant has checked out that laptop yet. I would love to start my writing.. but of course, it doesn't depend on him. If he can't get his laptop running, then I could write down here. It's just difficult. But no promises of course. I need to do laundry, I guess I should start sometime soon. Who knows. I would like two tickets to Japan please, first class, with mineral drinking water. Yeah yeah, such fantasies only exist within my mind and the depths of my role playing. Dad should be coming home soon. Loverly. Goddamnit. Its ambivelence..plain and simple. We didn't end up putting any christmas stuff up today. God fucking damnit. I knew we weren't going to do it. She never keeps her word anymore. : sighes deeply : I'm running around in circles and I cant see my life because of tinted windows.
Courtney