I've hit a record all time low. Slowly but surely everything is just wearing away. All that's inside me.
I was slightly perkier today, knowing that I got to live in an actual house with everything required to live actually IN it... but I've just found out that we're not even going to attempt to go to Georgia tonight. We're to stay the night in Alabama again and early tomorrow morning I'm heading out. This is dissapointing. I want to just fucking get there already, not fool around. We're talking about living quarters here people! Idiot parents. They procrastinated the whole move and they're procrastinating now. What a fucking summer this has started to to be. It better get more exciting than this.. or who knows what the hell I'll end up doing.
All that I've worked for.. in the good section of my life in the past six months is being tested. My cutting habits, Keisuke, Cande, Fort Campbell, moving, my ability to handle everything at once. Every single one of the aformentioned is having difficulties. I've had bad cutting thoughts [ although I haven't reached or intended to go for that knife. Promise. ] that won't go away. Keisuke is gone on recall and officially doesn't remember Cande nor myself. Cande is having difficulties with Keisuke and the pressure of everything else. Our friendship is suffering because of it.. and because I have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm scared and I just don't know what to do. I want to go back to Fort Campbell. I don't want to pack. And everything is going down the drain as we speak.
I miss Brant more then I could put into words. Rather, do I not only miss him emotionally but physically as well. It just feels like there's a part of my now that's unsatisfied. And although I've done some very rememberable and pleasurable things with him, it just seems like I want to get and give more. But my time was cut short and now everything's back to normal. It hurts and I would be lying if I said it didn't. So we'll just stick with that it hurts and that I wish I had more time to do and say the things I wanted to say. I'm glad I went back that second time yesterday. I think we both needed it.
I'm scared guys. Never have I been this blind about what lies ahead. I think that I should just sleep... sleep... sleep. I'd much rather sleep in someones arms.. but somehow I'll have to get used to being alone. Or rather, not alone but without what I once had. That hurts. How many times have I said that this entry? It doesn't matter.. it still hurts.. in short.. in much much short. It hurts.
I'm debating whether to call Brant or not. Probably wont. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder.. I don't want to seem like I'm hounding him and I haven't even been gone a full fucking day yet. Probably later. I downloaded msn messanger on my Cousins computer.. so that should fix that problem.
Courtney