I've probably added way to many updates for the day. But another one couldn't hurt. In addition to any Keisuke problems and me obviously still thinking about Brant from the previous entry--.. the Chinese Mafia decided to pop back in. More so, just the 'idiot' as I've nicked named him. I don't want to know his name. I'm scared of him. ;__; He.. well.. he threatened to cut out my tongue if I was lying to him. I was. -_-;; He said he was coming. I leave for the airport Sunday. Yuuriko talked to him and she says I have nothing to worry about. But I am scared.. -- deeply scared. What if he does come? What if he goes through with it? Mm. I dont want to think about it.
Hell, since Brant is on my mind I might as well splurge about him still. In his car, we used to listen to all these songs. From different bands. Mostly Hardcore. Brant was a hardcore kind of guy. I downloaded ALEXISONFIRE today. I didnt even know I knew those songs. But I heard them so many times in Brant's car-.. I've realized it's so creepy. I can mouth the lyrics to a song I didn't even know I knew. Taking Back Sunday, Thursday, Brand New. All these bands and so many more. But listening to these songs reminds me of everything I've done together. It reminds me of the people I've left behind in Fort Campbell. Have they forgotten about me? Most likely. Have I forgotten about them? Hardly.
Confession. Brant was the first guy that I had never *thought* about even going near private parts with. And I did. It was a mutual thing. -_-;; I feel like a whore for it. I feel so used. Do you know how that feels?! I mean honestly. I had never done that sort of thing before. [ -we're not talking about sex- ] But I trusted him enough to do it with him. Why? Because I wanted to please him. -BEEP- STOP THE FUCK RIGHT THERE! WRONG ANSWER! NO GIRL SHOULD EVER WANT TO DO SOMETHING SEXUAL FOR A GUY BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO PLEASE HIM. But I did. How stupid is that? ;-; Very. All I wanted to do was make him happy to be with me. In the end I made myself feel like a common whore. Damn. How did I manage that. Brant.. was a very charming polite boy laced with an underlying and hidden agenda. But then again, I could be making this all up. Infact-- hell. I dont know anymore. You know they say look back at how a guy treats his Ex's.......... well fuck.
HE FUCKED STACY OVER BIG TIME.
HE FUCKED ME OVER BIG TIME.
Does anyone see a pattern?
I just feel repressed anger.
I just want him to confess that he used me.
Instead he just rants about how, " He didn't use me but didn't feel the same way I did. "
HOW THE MOTHER FUCKING HELL DO YOU GET OFF SAYING THAT?
Where's the hidden camera.
Is someone gonna pop out and say " GOTCHA. "
I wish most of life was like that. It would make things so much easier.
So. Fact: I gave Brant more then I should have. Fiction: He gave it back. We live and we learn. But why in all hell am I still so upset about this?! It happened a month ago! Oh no wait. It's just hitting me now that I feel like a common whore. When he's a million bajillion fucking miles away-- I finally want to confront him. Yell at him. :sigh: It figures. I hate my emotions.
Fact: I feel used. Fiction: I'm happy about it.
IT HAPPENED WITH GREG TOO!
I was used by Greg. Even though it was a one night thing. Damn--.. I got more whorish as we go downwards in this entry.
Fact: I let Greg 'finger' [ I hate that term. >_> ] me when he had a girlfriend. Fiction: He broke up with his girlfriend just for me.
Fact: He dumped her and then went back out with her two days later. Fiction: I didn't feel used about that.
Repeativeness. It's all a vicious cycle. Someone stop my dryer of life please, it's over heating.
Courtney