Okay, so Yuuriko read my diary just as I was going to erase the entry previous to this. But instead of causing conflict [ like I really was dead set that's all it would do. ] it actually ended up helping.
I confided in her about how I seem to need approval from other people for the things I do. I told her about how I was scared of things that are happening as we speak. She's about the graduate and move out into the real world and this is one place where I cannot follow her. Atleast until it's my time to do so. I talked about how I was scared about moving and leaving all of this behind. I was afraid of starting over. I was afraid of losing her to this getting-a-real-life business when she graduates.
She told me to stop worrying. If I could I would. That'd be a simple solution to everything I guess. But simplicity is the easy way out!
I have to really start concentrating on the things I want to change about myself. I think that I've discovered the main prority on my list. I need to learn to stop waiting on people. Time will come as it comes. I need to experince the world the best I can and not wait on other people, preventing me from doing so. This is going to be the hardest thing I think I try to accomplish. I thrive on conversation from Yuuriko and Keisuke. Hell, seeing them just pop online and my buddylist chime when I see them gets me excited. Some how I need to learn to tone that down and find the things I love again. Perhaps it is time to break myself of this computer addiction. The times aren't like they were when Kei was gone, so being online twenty-four-seven isn't neccessary. Yuu and Kei aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I don't have to sit there and stare at my buddylist. This is just an old habit I'll have to break. It will be difficult, no lie. I live for this computer, honestly, I get very frustrated when forced to share. But I've got to break myself of it slowly. It's time I find the balance in my life between this digital world and the real one. Of course it's nice to be able to carry Yuu and Kei over into the real one, because there are other ways to contact them other then via computer. So techinically, I should be living out of both worlds. As much as I used to hate to hear people tell me it... " Go get a life. You need more then the computer to be happy. " I knew they were right all along, I just didn't want to hear it until I was ready to.
So everyone here's your chance to go, " I told you so. " And get your self portion of me right. :nod: I guess I deserve it for trying to dissolve into another world to leave this one.
I'm not as needy as I used to be. I mean back when we didn't see Kei on a regular basis, in the Jan-Feb era, I needed to be constantly stuck to the computer incase I missed his getting online. [ which at that point was a rarity ] Now he's usually scheduled for evening visits and early Sunday conversation. There's a schedule. Even now as he's in Japan, we still converse now and then. So why am I so clingy to this machine that delievers me to the ones I love? I should be able to let go now. The computer is my security blanket, no lie.
So I'm giving it my best shot. I'll try to get out more. Hell, look for a violin instructor. I'll try to work on my Calligraphy for Kei's poem I've got to send. I'll write more by hand. [ I usually always create my poems on the computer now. ] I'll take more walks. Go out with more people. Try and not cave into my constant needs to sit in that computer chair. I'm hoping that Georgia will help me be able to open up and perhaps find someone in the immediate real world that will be a close friend. So I can up my number of relationships and try and find a conveying balance you know? That'd be nice. Hell, even better if somehow I was able to manage a boyfriend. [ I haven't dated in seven months.. mostly due from being unstable with Keisuke's leave.. and the beginning of his come back was a little rough as well. ] So, we'll see what this summer brings. I'm hoping good things.. because I've had enough bad things that the neutrality effect needs to kick in.
Courtney