Wow. So many things have happened this weekend. Sitting back in my chair and stretching, I can really just smile. I mean, I've never understood it before, but I do now. The value of those who you care for most, the human nature to hold onto those that you believe mean everything, is stronger then anything that is yet to be found on this earth. I've battled everything I possibly can right now, and I'm being quite literal. I mean.. let's take a breather here. Keisuke left..came back.. was threatened to be taken away again.. and then finally I was told he was leaving again... only to find that it was a sick joke. But closer and closer as the days end, I realize now.. nothing can realy ever tear the 4 of us apart. Not someone else, not the Firm, not hatred, not death, not insanity, not drug induced forgetting.. nothing that this imaginative mind can druge up. We talked more about Keisuke's demon today. I think I understand it now more than ever. This mutated half of him, that's been twisted and bent to the Firm's will. I only shudder and hope that I never meet with it one day, only that I can eventually one day grasp the ideal of it fully. Among my life now.. I have three very dear people.. Yuuriko.. Keisuke.. Nakaruru. All on an equal stance to each other.. and all people that I would consider the closest that anyone has ever gotten to me. The test of friendship has already been taken, so I need not test it.. and it's been strengthened with the bond of love. Yuuriko comes in 13 days. I keep on thinking over and over I'm going to wake up and realize this is just some dream that I want to so badly have. But it's not! It's reality. Lately, my dreams are more vivid than ever. I remember them, just as if they were memories that belong in my head. Due for the keeping off all the logs that I have in my binder. God, if anyone wanted to know everything about me.. that's all they would have to do. Steal my binder and read it all. Behind my yellow folders, mass amounts of computer paper.. printed with logs and accounts, events, and scares. Times when I held my breath.. and times when I smiled. The time when he left.. the time when Yuuriko and Keisuke first exchanged I love you's... when Slyfer was first introduced.. when I was first taught about Tseng.... poems.. stories.. all of it. My life on paper.. strangely, as if writing my own story to later become my own novel wasn't enough. All of these things are special to me, because I make them such. No one will do that for me, I know that now. I can't count on others around me.. make what matters to me most.. matter. It's a miracle sometimes, how I understand how little my parents know about me. What would they say if one day I told them everything.. that this is what was going on during my teen years. Would they stare at me wide eyed, asking to escort me to an insane asylum.. would they make me explain.. wanting to bring the authorities into everything.. would they tell me to stop kidding around and pulling their leg? Or last and very least.. would they believed me? Would it help them better understand me? Their daughter. The one they swear is just quiet.. the one that will succeed and go far in what she wants.. the one that's currently attending therapy for no said reason.. because there isn't a reason anymore.. Or would it confuse them further? Would they see more to me than what they did before? I honestly don't know.. but I doubt they'll ever know. If everything goes according to plan.. I honestly.. don't see myself visiting my family in person for a long time after I graduate. And if I came back..? No longer than a day.. I just couldn't do it. I'm struggling now.. to want to stay here when I didn't have to makes no sense to me. But perhaps things will change by the time I'm ready to leave.. ready to graduate. So many what if's.. Yare yare Courtney, you haven't even gotten pass Freshman year yet.. stop trying to plan everything. Ahh, but thats the flaw my friends. I can't.. it is what makes me.. me..
Courtney