I'm repelling myself from writing what I want to in here, simply because I'm afraid that I'll upset people that are very close to me. These are just feelings of the moment I guess, they need not be considered anything more. Just venting so I don't start trouble and end up looking stupid for reacting in a way of which I shouldn't. I do that a lot and I'm really trying to take a conscious effort to fix it.
I know that maybe I shouldn't do it, it makes my life seemingly pointless and co-dependant on someone else... but I do it anyway. I have been waiting all day for Yuuriko to get online so we can talk.. just hang out with each other you know? I guess that's not very appealing to her at the moment, she told me she's not very talkative. I understand that everyone has those moods, but I can't deny the feeling that gives me. To know that I've been waiting all day for her to get online, stared at the screen waiting in anticipation, and when she does.. she says there's nothing to do online. I don't want to make her out to be the bad guy, heavens no. It's just how I feel about it, that's all.
It makes me wonder you know.. perhaps I am too engrossed on waiting for other people. I find myself often avoiding things to do with other people in fear that I will miss Yuu or Kei if they got online. But I never do miss them even when I do go out.. and as much as I tell myself that I don't, I still find myself doing the same things. I wait for other people and delay my own things. There's an easy solution to this and I know that I could fix it. Just stop worrying about missing them. Let them come to me. But that defies my whole personna completely. It's a shameful thing to say I revolve my world around other people.
It's pathetic and it does in fact make me feel like I need to lower myself. I never thought such a small thing can have such an impact. All this because she doesn't want to talk at the moment. In a way this does feel like overracting, but I'd rather do it in this diary of mine then in an email where someone can read it and make a riot of it, or an IM where it could cause conflict immediately. I'll just confide it in here and be done with it. Yes, I wish Yuuriko would stay. Yes, I wish I knew some way to make her talkative. I guess I sort of feel foolish now.. like a child who's waited all day for Candy they thought was coming, but only to find their parents empty handed. Never assume formalities. [ No pun intended to the Cande, Candy refrence. ]
I'm sorry Yuuriko.. I don't want to write these things about you.. I feel stupid for even feeling these things to begin with. But god, I waited all day to talk to you.. and now you're not talkative. Not your fault.. not your fault at all. You didn't know. I'm not going to hold it against you, only record it so future reference so I know what to do and not to do.
Hn. I'm going to leave this one a little better.
Courtney