Perhaps it is now that my worst fear has come into play. My mentor, my guide, the only person in my entire life that I've been able to safely depend on without a second thought...is so far out of my reach. I've let my face become tear stained and my body wrack itself with worry. I have half the nerve to just walk over to his house and walk right in. To just sit on him and make it so he can't move. I just want to... I dont know what I want to do. But in a way I'm lost... The one person who I've looked up to my life..is now falling downwards. I made more then one attempt before he walked out of that door. I almost didnt let go of his arm. I wanted to follow him, to lay against the car until he just couldn't bring himself to ignore me. I just. God. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. My constant fighting with Ian, the oh so dreadful never feeling satisfied feeling..my mother just trying to pry her little hands into my life...school just losing all interesting...its just wearing me down. But this entry isn't about me. Its about those who I feel in a way that I've failed. Lets make a list here, shall we?
Brant - Forever my mentor and guide towards the right things in life. What have I not done? Why is it that you still hesitate to tell the whole truth. Perhaps you worry if my soul could bare all of what your lips desired to say? I'm not sure.. but I just wish that I could control your body for one day. I would show you so many things that I want you to have, to understand, to finally go.. "Oh. I get it now!.." Kinda of thinking. But of course that will never happen. Perhaps it was my constant probing at your private thoughts that you weren't able to come to me tonight.. That you left me only vague answers to your whereabouts and feelings for the night. Then again, I knew more then anyone at that point.. but I'm still afraid. I'm losing ground. I'm panicking. I'm half thinking perhaps if I go into emotional breakdown state, you wouldnt be here. You're dealing with yourself... I understand that. But why can I be there for you..like you were and are here for me?? That hurts me the most, if directly or indirectly.
Jennifer - I wont lie. Things will never be fixed between us. But I will say this, perhaps it was my need and craving for things never to be right between us that started and ended this all. Im confused at where we stand, but its okay because honestly, I never knew to begin with. Know that some of the things you do I cant stand, but some of the things I cant help but to love. I'm so lost but Ill get over it. Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you. I guess thats how things will always be. I cant change it. But I guess thats how it is.
Ian - I took everything and left nothing. Your heart is clearly being bled everywhere. Its my doing. Your lover that got away. You're dreadful angel doused with a darkness you couldn't shake. Someday we'll understand.. someday it will all just be a big laugh.
All these people.. they've done so much In my life.. and I've done nothing but hurt them.. nothing but not been able to be there for them. What is it that I am doing wrong? Im so tired of this and Im confused. Brant... god you dont know how much I wish you would understand that you're not alone! Goddamnit! IF ANYTHING YOU UNDERSTOOD... with this life or the next... that I am here for you. But you ignore it.. and I cant make you see anything unless you're willing to see it in the first place. Jennifer... Who knows where to begin. Too many things have been said.. and I wish that they could never have taken place. But they have and will always been in my memories. Ian...Change is something that pushes you onward on a road that will help you continue further onward.
Im alone. Yes, I'm beginning to understand that part. I'm alone in something that I've created. A life that no one has control over but me. I can sit here and cry for everything if I wanted to. Myself, Ian, Jennifer, Brant, Stacy..Mark..Erika... My life...My family...School..Keisuke and the reality that Im not even sure exists anymore within his life. So many things but I just cry for one thing at the moment. To be there for someone. Everyone has been here so long for me to lean on. I want so desperately for me to be the one. That goddamn person they think of when they've got no hope. But I'll never get there. I wont and I cant change it. I'm so scared. So alone. So just...hiding in a way. But it doesnt matter. I'm going to go and figure out what the hell Im going to do.
Courtney