Ashlar.. such a beautiful name. But I wont let my determination of this entry be swayed. I feel like I'm just.. well simple what this layout is saying. No, my friends I'm not physically drowning, it's more of a deteroration from the inside. Without having someone to confine in with my most beloved secrets, laugh with me until tears spring to my eyes, to kiss the top of my warm forehead in the bliss of all this winter weather... my soul seems to be decaying. In more ways then one, I cannot exist without those miniscule details.. for I've found myself attached. Perhaps its at an enlightment for a perfect suitor that I've noted how large a portion this has contributed to my ever spiraling downward depression. I've missed my chance to walk down lover's lane with the leaves of autumn spread out for all to see, but I refuse miss winters freezing cruel touch while I hide myself away behind another. For the longest time something has been missing.. and for the love of everything I hold dear, I didn't know. But of course, now that oppertunity arises... I seem so desperate making every attempt that I can. I wont let this chance walk away from me! I can't. I miss those days.. long ago. I am most happiest with someone to hold my hand, someone to deliever me their chaste kisses while infront of a crowd.. I am like a butterfly who seems to lose its beauty everyday without another. In a way its more of a want then a need. Humans do not need another to survive.. but within myself, the very depths that I have looked at.. It's screaming at me. It asks why no one calls me beautiful. No one stops in the hallway to say a friendly hello to me. No one walks me to my classes. No one visits my house unexpectedly. No one misses me when I lie awake at night. No one wonders what I'm doing at that moment. And it makes me so sad inside. This has happened quite frequently within the past two months. I will want people, but the attraction wont come back. I'll wonder all those things about the other person, but I'm positive they aren't thinking about it me. It's almost as if no one wants me. I feel invisable in the world of lovers. And you are probably amazed about how I can throw the word love around like its nothing. Its that simple. I have seen and done things above my time. I have understanding.. I've been there before. And let me tell you, it is a struggle to quit loving someone.. because you cant. I'm dealing with the repercussions of that.. But then again, it never prevents me from going onward. To try and find someone to fill those spaces that no friend really can. Bad relationships will happened.. and I'm a living example of that. With each ending I watch a part of myself walk away. Its the part that I gave to the other person. But I dont regret it, for if I didnt want to give it.. I wouldnt have given it in the first place. It's there, a remebrance. And thats all you have when love ends. Its that rememberance that prevents love from ever ending. You cant stop loving someone and you cant reject that rememberance piece. Its a complicated theory.. the remembrance piece being a part of yourself. But follow close dear readers. With each part of yourself you lose, you gain it again within simple hours.. days..weeks even. Its smiles and encouraging words.. and even darkness fills in that part you lose with a dark gray or black. Whether you be happy or sad, the part gets refilled. The cup is always overflowing, for the fountain of love is never ending. It is this understanding where I can do the taboo of teenaged society and call certain relationships love. Love shouldn't be really that big of a thing. You love your mother, you love your dog, you love your friends, you love your favorite band, you love a book, you love a computer.. its just the type of love that changes things in societies eyes. I dont feel that change. Love for me is the same.. but in order for me to function properly.. I need love in every aspect. I see things black and white. Hate or love. And when hate starts to over power love.. or when neither show up at all.. disfunction sets in. Love, or lack there of in my life does various assortments of things. With love I am a happier person, this is a proven fact.. take a look at my previous entries. And without it.. well, if you have been reading religiously.. I need not answer that section of my sentence. But to draw out a long conclusion, I think I've found someone that I want to enter a relationship with.. but I'm deathly afraid of the answer. But its all a black and white ordeal, so I dont yet understand why I cant ask. I'll just suffer in silence for a few more days.. I must get to know him first. I want to be the one to ask him.. to tell him to his face.. So I can see the expression. So I can grasp fully why my life doesn't allow me to have this portion of love if he says no. It will be a beautiful let down.... But no regrets.. thats the part of this game I've yet to get down.
Courtney