So tired. Today has been a pensive day. Just reflecting alot. Becoming a little more quieter then usual I guess. Trying to conserve myself for what? The inevitable always happens. But yeah.
Cande's going to Fairoaks tomorrow afternoon for business. I have a bad feeling about it.. I'll just try not to lose sleep over it, because with everything else going on in this head of mind this is surely the last thing I need. I'm curious who even reads this thing anymore? I've downed in the quality of my writing and frequency. My lack of creative words is laughable, etc. Argh, only one can wonder I guess.
I read Keisuke's poem aloud to myself today. I cried a little over it. Not for myself, but for everything that I believed in. Not because I was hurt, but because I knew these words have once, and will continue to hurt people. The doubt of my non committal decision of whether he is fact or fiction still haunts me. It's much like we're doing in Mock Trial. Defense and Prosecution. I hear my thoughts shuffle from one side to the other. I find one defense and counteract it with its apposing allele. It's terrible. My mind is becoming a place of doubt lately. This sumbits to me neglecting and forgetting everything. In alot of people's eyes I am considered to be getting 'better' from what my previous state in September was. ( Reading back on those entries aren't very pretty if you're looking for your original sunshine and daisies stuff.. ) I guess.. I mean. Things seemed to get better in one area and change in the next. I cut because he left and I was confused. I stopped cutting because I got proof of his existance. I remembered the number. I remember alot of things. Then things start going downhill with me trying to prove he is real. An electrical storm of thoughts keeps going on and on. So really it's only one thing to another, but if one is to be considered better over the other, then of course I can see it that way.
As for the whole Tricia and Moyers deal. I've been getting both sides of it and in a way I think that maybe I should stay out of it. I dont know. I've already fucked some things up today with the whole 'Dan' thing. It's terrible. I try to help and then I end up destroying.
In an overall spectrum though, things are okay. Nothing really to complain about, because I have no room for it. Trying to give myself a positive atmosphere to be around. Sometimes I wish I was old enough to travel where ever, when ever.. because I'm damned sure I wouldn't be here. No way Sir-ee... Far far far far away. Speakkking of that.
College. I've been thinking of that word more and more. Sure sure, I know in the back of your heads you're going, " What the hell? She has four years left to figure it out. " Well my fellow readers.. ( Whatever mass of you guys still exist. ) We all know that after Highschool its off to UNO. But after that? I'm sssssssscared. Whoa. What if things don't work out? I wont be stable by myself. Scary. But enough thinking on that.
I'm going to retire to bed early, actually. It's kind of hard to keep my eyes open. I'm out.
Courtney