"Your past will always consume your future. You are your past. You are your future. Both are interwined so deeply you can never seperate them and to do so would be the of any future, past, and life." - Courtney Smith
I wish that I could say I didn't worry either. That I was simply content with what I have. I am completely and wonderfully happen with what I have here and now, but the future is coming to get me. Paranoia that makes tiny pin s in my hope at night. My only opiate is to count the hours until I see him again. Needing him so badly that it hurts to be away and then knowing that he'll be leaving so soon. I cant time everything perfectly. I just cant. I'm preventing from any sort of visible emotion. I dont need to break down in a public place. I'm scared of being without him just as much as he is. Its not an independant thought just on ones behalf. This is mutual. I need him. He needs me. Theres even a date set! May 21, 2004! Jesus Christ I'm panicking. I'm trying not to need my inhaler..I dont have it with me. Calm calm calm. Hearing that date is going to kill me. Knowing that I have a time limit for love. Yes, Love. Intoxication in its purest form. I need him to touch, I need him to touch me. I need all those things. His smiles, his words, his happiness, his antics, his opinions, his family, his life, his kisses, his whispers, his feelings, his writing, his stupid video games...I need him. I just cant let that go. Thats it. I wont. He's going to start his life eventually after May 21, 2004...but I'm never going to stop loving him. Leave as he may...wander...graduate...grow up...be on his own. I wont stop loving him. I wont even say goodbye. I wont do it. I wont I wont I wont. I wont say goodbye because I'll see him again. I leave this one to fate. I'm off with my fears. I love you Ian.
Courtney