I'm sitting down here. I'm sitting here and asking myself-- where am I in my life and do I like it here?
I find myself negatively stating everyday about I hate it here. About how I'm not going to have a date for Homecoming. How I'm trying to replace my old friends-- or rather not replace them... just find people exactly like them. Which we all know is impossible.
I miss going out everyday. Sitting in the back of a small car, music blaring. Where I didn't have to pretend to be anyone. I wasn't ashamed to say I didn't know a band. It was so funny. I could never put the bands and voices together. And now that I'm gone? I've got them all straight. I miss the thrill of remembering I'm going to see someone today! The idea of just driving around after school. Doing the same thing everyday. Being able to wave at everyone-- knowing everyone's dirty little secrets. Even the people I didn't talk to at school. I knew their face. I could even put a name together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss Fort Campbell.
But I've been saying that even before I left it.
Is that possible?
To miss a place before you've even left it?
I remember my last night sitting at Waffle House with Erika and Brant. How hard I was pretending it was just another night. We'd all get home and crash-- wake up the next day and figure out what we were going to do. I never fully understood that when I awoke-- I was leaving that day. I'd be saying goodbye.
It plagues me even now.
It's August. I left in June.
Shouldn't I be adjusted by now?
I feel like such a fraud here. If the others from Fort Campbell saw me. Oh how ashamed they'd be.
I often remember now about how when people moved from Fort Campbell when I was there--- and they changed from who I used to know them as. I looked down upon that. I didn't understand why a person would change just because they're somewhere else.
Oh but I get it now.
I'm a perfect example of the same thing I looked down upon.
I haven't really changed-- but that's me going through denial.
I know I'm not as happy as I was at Fort Campbell. I'm not speaking my mind. I just let people assume what they want. I'm no longer making plans. I'm not the dork that laughed about anything, anymore. I've toned down. I'm much like I was back in September-- minus the self mutilation and hating the world. Instead I hate Fort Benning. Instead I want to do mutilation to everyone here.
Perhaps I'm just an upset individual.
"Outraged" doesn't quite fit, but it's the first word that comes to mind.
I miss cuddling. I miss someone I could tell everything too. Perhaps not neccessarily missing Brant. Perhaps not neccessarily missing Erika.
Okay I lied.
Yes I miss them.
I remember the sleepover we had.
I remember playing our game. The name of it flees me now, but we all sat in a circle and did sexual things to each other. Just for laughs. Remember Jon? Mister Homosexual?
Will I find friends as comfortable as this?
Will I find someone who understand the fact that friends to me are the solid foundations for everything we do in life?
I apologize for sounding desperate. But what else am I supposed to feel?
When you realize that what you used to have is going to just be that. What you used to have.
Tell me. How should I feel about that?
Courtney