Morning. No dreams tonight. It could be considered a good thing I suppose. Very tired. Brain is working harder then it should. Who knows. I think that lately things are coming together and falling apart at the same time. I'm trying desperately to catch everything before it falls, but what if is the inevitable? Who knows. From reading Brant's diary I just feel like he's already ex-communicated me for not hanging out with him in a few days. I know I have problems spreading myself around to different people, but damn. >-< that just.. sorta hurts? I don't know. Maybe its for the best? I guess it will hurt less when everyone leaves. Back to the start, my only friends through this wonderful computer machine. It just bothers me.. here we have a guy who threw a blanket down to break my fall from reality and now he's leaving? Not literally but figuratively. Is everyone destined to leave me in my life? My biological father, Trey, Josh, Savannah, Jennifer, Keisuke...Now Brant? The people I gave almost everything to? It's like I'm constantly being shoved down a flight of stairs. I should talk to him about it. But would he even listen? See my point of view? Or just mark this case *invaild* on account of too much Drama. I don't know and if I did I don't think I'd have the courage to tell anyone. Brant, if you read this? I miss your friendship. Thanks for attempting to keep things together.
I called Toby the other night, He wasn't home. Probably at Heathers. ^^;; Heh. So thats all fine and dandy. I'll just have to try back later. Since everyone was so 'busy' this weekend.. I ended up just Rping with Yuuriko. Got her to send out a letter to Keisuke. You know? Thats another thing. When Brant listed the people that I 'have'.. he listed Keisuke. I knew he'd grow tired of me talking about him. I knew he'd just drop it.. It's not his problem. Not his conscience to deal with. I don't blame him. I don't blame him one little bit. It's just a reality slap. I should just keep this man that nobody believes exists in my head and let that be that.
I'm taking the next big step in my therapy. I'm seperating the appointments weeks apart instead of a week apart. Last appointment was January 9 and my next one is January 26. Wow! Go Courtney.
Jennifer wants me to come over today so we can work on our French project. Therefore, I must go and make myself presentable. I REAAALLLYYY don't feel like walking, so lets hope I can stirr my mother from her deathly resting place upstairs in bed to drive me. Oh the ramblings of a fourteen year old.
Courtney