Wow. I suppose that its the only way to describe this entry. Im trying to replay events. Im trying hard to take my 'vacation'. Im trying not to break down and crying during classes. Im trying a hell of a lot and Im trying to fight urges to help people. Yes. Right. I think. For those of you who 'know' me, know that I have a break down about every 6 months. I simply bottle what I can until I cannot anymore. It usually comes out in a small cry and then Im done. Not this time. It was worse then anything Ive ever put myself through in my life. Ive never cried that hard. Ive never done the things I did then. But Im closing that chapter. Im not telling anyone from this day forward what happened. I just want to forget it. Those in the group know and thats perfectly fine. Some of you know some of you dont know some of you dont even care to know. Very well. Keep it to yourself. I dont flaunt these sort of things. Im ashamed. But moving onward. I broke down. I did some things I shouldnt have done. I thought of one name that fit perfectly and called. I screamed. I threw things. Broke them. Just sobbed against the cold white tiled floor. Listened to the rain. Trying to grap tight to something in my life that was already gone. I dont understand all what my logic was that night and I can assure you that it wasn't logic to begin with. It was feeling. Instinct. To end something that I just couldnt handle. Didnt want to continue onward. Things were at a higher peak then I had ever allowed things to go. Usually I have a handle on everything. I let the level go to where I want it. Ill never forgot those words he said to me all that while go that have caught me by the breath everytime. "Your in knee deep just as high as she is." I didnt believe him, until last night. All it took was for him to leave and slowly the threads pulled apart. Slowly I was able to lose whatever part of his sanity I was holding for him. And when I let go? I stumbled, fell, lost sight, and grabbed for the nearest sharp object. Human instinct. What happens when you lose something that you lived your life by for so long? Humans are cowards when we lose everything. We immediately do not think to move on and adapt, we want to end it then and give up. Unlike other species we are unable to make changes to our new surroundings and evolve. We have all these unnecessary qualities. No other species needs to feel love, to feel hate, to cry ... to survive. Unlike humans who feel they 'aren't' existing at all with these qualities. Its just something that I got start on ( thanks to you know who. ^.- ) and Ive been pondering it ever since. I would have never done that if I was in a logic mind thinking situation. It would be the worst. But when you lose everything that you run by.. ( I am a VERY habitual person...just lose my planner and Ill freak. ) you just lose all reason to trudge forward. Thats what happened. I lost something that I lived everyday for the past year by. Something that I was forced to keep secret. Something that I was held to my word about. Something that consumed every thought, every second, every minute, every night that I laid in bed without sleep, every extra moment I had in my day. It was so involving that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it other then try to stop fate. That simple and Im trying hard not to regret any of the choices that Ive made. But guys, more then anything I was afraid. My big brother, my close friend, my 'secret'.. He left. I no longer had to keep those secrets. No longer had someone for me to bitch about my day to. No one. And it just seemed so unjust to go on without it, but I was trying. Then.... Cande just blew up after I told her the news. That sent me further down then I have ever been. Then the screaming began, then the crying, then the carving, then the trying to find just a simple reason. Then exposure from everyone else. Then someone to console. I just tripped myself to the driveway and cried in the corner against my garage. The storm raged onward. It just seemed meaningless. I had a reassurance of "be right there." that was all I had on thoughts of so many awful things. I beat myself up in my mind, getting drenched outside, all the while my mother is sleeping inside and my sister watching television. They dont care. I never expected them to and I never expect them to. Something that I know Ill never get from them. It was then that I saw that car I just thought maybe I could make a clean get away. I didnt want to burden anyone. I could wipe those tears away and play it off. I didnt need help... I didn----... No... My mind fought those thoughts and then as he ran towards me I just cried harder. The storm went onward..inside and outside. I didnt want to be a burden but now I realize. I NEEDED to be someones burden. For too long had I hold everyone elses hand. For too long had I tried to fix everything in there life and give them what they wanted, or what they thought they wanted. This was my turn. More then anything. So many things piled one upon the other. I wasnt thinking. I wasnt thinking about a damn thing. Only myself. And at that moment I dont regret it. Myself, for the first time in my life. And I looked at the mess I had start before me. I had neglected myself above everyone else. That was my downfall. But thats how and who I am. I cant change it now, too many years of habit. But all it took was for one person to leave and make me leave it to fate. Thats all it took. And now, Im not sure what to believe. Im an emotional wreck, but for the first time my thoughts are ABOUT ME. For once. I may be teetering on tears and sighs for the next few days. Nothing ever mends itself that fast. I understand that. I thank all who helped me come to realize all that last night has brought me. Brant first and foremost... who I truly think I owe alot more then I can express in words. Ian who also the love of my life cares about me more then I can say here. He was so worried and tried to help the best he could. Josh for being understanding when I needed it most. For putting up with the times of foreshadowing in me ignoring you. For just being there in a split second and without hesitation. Jennifer for trying to understand and getting me help when I needed it the most. Erika because you've believed me when I had not given you alot to believe in. Moyers for giving advice when I didnt even think you were listening. Forgive me for ever doubting you and thank you more then words for your silence.
Ive come upon a road of great self discovery, but for the next few days Im on vacation. Free and paid by Captian Brant, The Captians lover Stacy, The co Captain THE CROW!, and of course my lover himself. Im going to just not worry for awhile and see if I can make it out of this emotional state and start helping people again. Thats always one thing Ill never be able to change. But atleast Ill know who comes before all those that I help. And that my friends, its finally myself.
Courtney