silentlylost's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Respect, Anger, and Infidelity You don't get it. You don't. I can't just "get over" it. I can't just stop remembering the sound of your voice in my ear, the same voice that whispered to her. It's hard to sit here, alone in this apartment where you fucked her and betrayed me, and keep a silence on my thoughts. You act as if nothing has happened. As if it's all just a culmination of shit you can't change. You talk to me like you did before you slept with her. You act to me like you did before you slept with her. And after doing that to me, you're not ALLOWED to do any of these. But here I am, my own champion, the only person who will really look out for me-- constantly playing defense with you. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of reminding you how to talk to me with respect, to deal with the fact that I haven't gotten over you breaking my heart. The constant questioning. The anger. My sadness. If you can't cope with any of this, than why the hell did you stay? Why didn't you just ruin me, ruin our life, and leave? Why stay when you're just going to be the same? I can't stay for the same. I can't be present here for the same. I refuse to be. I honestly respect myself more. NOT MUCH, but more than that. I deserve better than the same hurts, the same anger, the same tones, the same disrespect, the same trashy way you talk to me. Life continues on after heartbreak, yes that much is true. But you don't get to go back to normal when I am the furthest thing from normal on the planet right now. You don't get to go back to pretending everything is okay, that you can act the same, talk to same, be the same person. That's not okay. None of it is. And the fact that I have to address you in a letter is really discouraging. You have gone back to former Jonathan. While I am here, future Courtney, completely changed. Your actions changed me. I am not the woman today that I was on May 16th. Maybe you have not grasped that I've changed. That things have changed between us. That I need to see real world change, not just your bullshit story you spew to me as an excuse. I'm tired of you dropping the ball. I'm tired of having to give you detailed instruction because I can't trust you to begin with, only to have to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ANYWAY! What is the point of me trying so hard, so desperately, for you and us to get it right when you do whatever you want anyway? I love you and I know that all you really want is encouragement. But goddammit Jonathan, that is what I need. Encouragement that you're actually going to start changing. I don't even think I could take your word for it, so at this point you're just going to have to start changing without telling me you're doing so all the while. I don't believe you anymore. You've cried wolf to me over "change" for so many years that I honestly believe it's all lies and bullshit so I won't leave you. 5:58 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 10, 2015 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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