silentlylost's Diaryland Diary

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whatever tomorrow brings, i'll be there.

I see a potential cycle coming up between us. If I don't reign in my suspicions and interruptions during work, this will be difficult to get through. But I don't think it's fair. I sit here with this unbearable knot in my stomache feeling like this pathetic housewife-- just sitting at home, doing nothing about the situation. The more I suspect, the angrier Jonathan will get. What he doesn't understand is that instead of anger, I need understanding. I need him to help me through each suspicious worry, without judgement or aggressive behavior... Only then can I move forward towards trust and forgiveness. The old familiar pattern is resurfacing and it scares me. I so desperately want things to be different this time between us. I wish school would start already. I hate feeling so useless and I cannot wait for the money it brings. It makes me feel somewhat valuable in this relationship, at least. I want Jonathan to respect me and think the worries I have are worth listening to, despite the past. I've been trying really hard to be civil. I haven't placed myself or him under duress. I've handled this whole affair pretty well, under the circumstances. I think at least. I feel like I get no recognition for that. I love this man so earnestly, I am so afraid this whole marriage is going to slip away. I'm in the thick of battle right now, praying for the strength to make the right decisions and think twice before acting. It's hard to escape the feeling that I'm just an annoyance for him. That my little womanly jealous worries are cute, pat me on the head and keep going. I do understand that he was working; that wasn't very adult of me to bring up this delicate situation when he should be focusing on that. I want to drink away this pain. Hide it in a little box and forget all this shame. Put it all behind me. I want to feel alive again. I want to be wanted again. How do I break out of this? How to I change the story that I've seen over and over countless times before-- and always, ALWAYS, I've been powerless to stop. A million different ways, it seems and feels. But always, it's the same. Anger, resentment, hurt, rejection, shame, and embarrassment. My face is flush with it now-- red and hot with shame and tears. I have all the complexities to work out within the confines of my thoughts. I know that there is some ancient history-- some tie to my childhood. I've been a good girl, trying to be introspective and understand why this hurts so much? I muse over my parents and their marriage. I think about my own self esteem and confidence. I'm grateful for the desire to not use cutting as a way to navigate this shaky road.
"I would do anything to, tell you why I've been late to fix up my head and escape to you where I can rest my eyes."
Sometimes, I feel like I don't know if I want to ride, or drive. This merry go round of life keeps spinning, I feel so out of control.
"Maybe, maybe they'll stay true. My seeds will cross and then take root. And lead you to an empty room. Lonely, lonely that is you. Lonely, lonely that is you. Paper, paper obsolete. How will you reach out to me? I thought you'd ask me not to leave. Lonely, lonely that is me. Lonely, lonely that is me. Distance makes the heart grow so weak, so that the mouth can barely speak. Except to those that hide their needs. And I have read the golden seal-- that tells of how the seedlings feel... reminds my heart that love can yield."
I'm trying so hard to make the right choices. I'm afraid to show any emotion about any of this, lest it discourage from him trying as hard as he has started to. I feel like I'm running from all of this. I don't want to run anymore. I just want to face this head on and finally get it over with. Rid ourselves of this horrible entanglement. I miss the way our marriage was in the beginning. When he adored every word I said, every movement I made. I miss waking up next to him, enthralled with the exchange between us. Hanging on his every thought. I guess my mental illness has gotten worse since then, as well. I was more independent. I was more myself. I had my own way. And while I have my own way now, it's a shameful, wrong way. I don't want it in a controlling sit at home with anxieties way. I want to live for the day. I want to have friends that matter. I want to make plans. Feel good about myself again. Get caught up in something other than my own bullshit. In the end I seem to always give into the depression and the sadness. And since it's been so reoccurring; there is no reprieve. There is no chance to stand up and dust myself off, get my baring and move onward. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the next big disaster or lie. I don't want that anymore. I don't want it hanging over my head like a ominous dark cloud, threatening my happiness daily. I want to be carefree once more. I want to stop counting the minutes until he comes home.
Does he know that I do that? Does he know that all I'm thinking about is how to fix this? How sorry I am that this keeps happening and I can't seem to grip on all this. I so pathetically want him to understand how I feel without having to direct him on what to do next. For once, just take me in his arms and know what to do with me in this state.
She messaged him again today, with a new number. It disappointed me and made me worry that perhaps she wasn't as disgusted with him and this whole thing than he made me to believe. So I did what I always tell myself I'll never do. I texted her. I asked her to refrain from talking to him. I was polite and firm, but I hope my actions don't cause repercussions for him at work. I just can't anymore. I can't have her continue to message him. It's going to tear me apart. I'm trying to be so brave and I'm still so angry. I'm trying to simmer down. I'm trying to forget. I'm trying to stop finding the inconsistencies. I'm just so scared that nothing is going to change. That the lies haven't stopped. I want to believe with everything in me that they have. Trust me. That's all I want. And yet I have these doubts and I feel like such a sinner for them. A traitor. I know we're both moving forward and both trying. But it just feels like I'm not able to safely have these feelings I have. I feel trapped and even more scared that I started out. All my fears have cornered me here. I'm fighting to get out. I'm fighting trying to decide what to do next. How to do this next? What do I do next?
I was thinking last night how sad it was that I felt closer to him when he was so far away in Afghanistan than I do now. There was so much passion despite the conflict. I do remember fighting, but I always brushed it off as combat fatigue. As being over there kind of cut your tolerance for bullshit in half. But what about now? What excuses can I make for it now? For me. For this?
No lies; just love.
I've had this journal since 2002. That seems absurd to me. It's 2014 and I'm married now. In college. Things are so different. I feel different.
And mostly scared for the future.
I'm trying though. And I'm not going to give up my marriage without a fight.
Anything less is just disappointing.

9:28 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 07, 2014

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